stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
