I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
