i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
