I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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