I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize