Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
