You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
