What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
