that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
