I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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