There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize