I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
