I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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