I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
tonight lets celebrate not being married
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
