so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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