Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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