...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
