I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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