Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
