My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
