Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
