Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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