when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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