my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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