I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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