She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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