margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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