imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
