just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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