so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
