I think my vagina is haunted
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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