I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
