Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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