Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
