Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
