The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize