I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
