And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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