the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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