the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize