my phone needs a breathalizer
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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