My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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