my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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