The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
