brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
