p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
