My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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