life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
