You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
