hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
