the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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