She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
