I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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