dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
