I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
