Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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