dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
