Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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