if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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