FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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