A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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