What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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