my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
