I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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