an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize